Dirty Talk?

I need more views, opinions … and maybe advice on the whole notion of dirty talk. Do a lot of women do it? And do they do it well? Do they enjoy doing it? Oh and just a note to family members, I love your support and your praise, but do cover your eyes.

Personally, I have never been no feisty little minx, one time during…you know (I can’t even bring myself to blog the words!!) I was asked ‘What do you like to be called?’ I cringingly replied with my own name…’Chelsea…Chelsea will do just fine.’ Well what was I mean to say? Pussy Galore?? Or Ivanna Humpalot?? I’m just no good! In another instance, (yes there’s more) I was asked what it was I wanted. I never really understood the question because what we were already doing was clearly what I wanted. I said…’this is just fine.’ Silly Chelsea, silly un-saucy non-sexy Chelsea. I was laughed at in the face, and what a unique and uncomfortable situation that was; to previously be having the time of your life but ever so suddenly being made to feel about the size of the orgasm you weren’t now going to have.

I’ve got a bit better over the years; but only non-verbally. I don’t think I’d be able to keep a straight face other wise and at least this way it gives me a bit of time to sit down and think about what to say; rather than blurt something ridiculous out and completely kill the mood. Nevertheless, it always terrorises me when I click the send button because I know that I’m the kind of person who will send a text to the last person in the world that should ever receive it. And I’d still rather not bother; I end up sounding like an amateur porn star who doesn’t speak much English. Why send a text when you can have the real thing?

One craze that I can never get my head around is dirty pictures. Firstly, because lets be honest guys, it is difficult to take a flattering picture of your own aroused selves’ right? And the danger of internet sites, and nosey parkers, and phone hacking…I’d rather not have half the Country knowing my ‘private’ business. The first kinky picture I was ever sent was three years ago and I literally turned nun-like; I couldn’t believe my ex sent it. In fact I didn’t even believe it was his until I recognised the carpet. He had a girlfriend at the time (he being the unnamed man who deserves the lion's share of the credit acclaimed through my blog for invoking such a powerful response from within me) and he asked me to return the favour. Cheating little so and so I thought. So I lifted my arm, and took a sneaky snap of a… Heinz baked bean (I went to the trouble of opening a new tin.) ‘You wanted a bean,’ I replied. He was not amused. I was always brilliant at outsmarting the ruddy rogue.

So, as you can read, I’m no pro at making men weak at the knees with my sexy, sordid ,liquorish whip seduction techniques. I like to have a laugh and not take anything too serious. I’d rather just leave it up to the makers of the Bare witch project or the movies full of the highly imaginative: ‘Oh Mr Plumber, is that a pipe in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? I’m so glad you came…’ So tell me everyone…what are you wearing? I mean…what do you think about it all?


Rhi's Words said...

I'm a master of dirty talk. I do adore your blog and laugh out loud at your posts! They are so relatable.
Have a peak at my blog?


With love Rhi x

Melissa Reynolds-Lawrence said...

Chelsea, I totally agree with this. I suddenly get all mumbly and British - it's quite awkward. If it's only doing it for one half of the party, why bother with it? x